Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Soup?

I’ve had several books published on Amazon, which sounds great until you learn that I’ve sold a grand total of three copies. To add injury to insult, I got a cease-and-desist letter from the law firm that represents the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” folks, in which they accused me of trademark infringement. Here was my reply:

Dear lawyers,

First I want to thank you for spending the time to write me such a well-thought-out letter. It is an honor to correspond with a group of highly educated mensches. I haven’t felt this way since my bar‑mitzvah.

You stated that your client objects to the sale of my book, “Soup for the Chicken’s Soul,” because the title is likely to deceive customers into believing that it is part of the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series. This is truly flattering. According to your letter, your client has sold 112 million books. The fact that such a powerful conglomerate would set their lawyers upon me is by far the biggest literary compliment I’ve ever received, unless you count the time my mother told me that she laughed so hard she wet herself.

My paying homage to your client puts me in the same league as the folks who sell the books “Chicken Pies for the Soul,” “Chicken Soup for Little Souls” and “Veggie Soup for the Chicken’s Soul.” I’m sure you have sent them the same heartwarming letter you sent me.

As a trademark parody, my book is protected against legal action for trademark infringement. However, if your client still feels threatened by it, feel free to send me another letter explaining what disqualifies it from using the parody defense. Lord knows that I do not want to get into a legal battle with a large corporation that has lots of money to spend on legal fees. I especially like how many of its books carry the subtitle “Stories to Open the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit,” because nothing opens my heart and rekindles my spirit like receiving an unsolicited letter threatening me with a lawsuit for committing the heinous crime of trying to entertain people.

Exactly one copy of “Soup for the Chicken’s Soul” has been sold. The purchase price was $4.99, and since I keep 70% of the sales from my Kindle-formatted books, that means that I received $3.49 from that sale. If your client feels that I have received this money under false pretenses, let me know and I will gladly send them a personal check for $3.49. I’m sure it will compensate them for the $500 an hour you are charging them to correspond with me.

Thank you for recognizing me as a true author, one who could possibly ruin your client’s empire by damaging their sales. There is no doubt that the old lady from Nebraska who downloaded my book onto her Kindle is only the first of what will surely be millions of people forsaking “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books in order to read my tripe.

Congratulations on being such an effective group of litigators. Perhaps you could write the next book in your client’s series and call it “Chicken Soup for the Lawyer’s Soul.” That is, if you have souls.

Sincerely,

Benjamin L. Schwalb, author

P.S. If your client is looking for someone to write a humor book, please let them know that I am available for hire. But they’d better hurry because I hear that the “For Dummies” folks want me.